According to my 2019 wall calendar, which had served as my health diary, what I now consider my ‘tipping point’ had started with a simple cold after a very busy period in June 2019. As a contractor for many years, I worked well with change, so to be a bit worn down was familiar territory. I had just travelled overseas, was three months into a new job and had recently moved house. I had also had an interaction with a family member that had left me a bit worse for wear. So I visited my local organic store and started natural supplements to help me along.

Not long after starting supplements I was consistently falling asleep around 8.30pm, waking to burning eyes in the morning that were hard to open, and then the night sweats started. With a stressful job and having bought a new set of sheets, both were easy to excuse. I simply had low energy or iron because I was adjusting to my new flat and job.

I went to my doctor and got a blood test which revealed everything was normal enough, so I started super-charged vitamins and medication to look at improving my experience of being tired all the time. As I was susceptible to being anxious and lower-in-mood than most, this seemed like a logical stop-gap.

Everything continued much the same, but my need for sleep grew. I started having trouble arriving to work on time and simply couldn’t wake up properly. Three weeks of this (and numerous repeating alarms and breakfast meal changes), I had another doctor’s visit which saw a referral to New Zealand’s leading Chronic Fatigue specialist.  

With overseas viral nasties and exotic diseases ruled out, I left the specialist appointment with a new list of vitamins. I was told that six more weeks of no improvement would confirm a diagnosis of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome - currently I just had Chronic Fatigue.

For the next 10 weeks (I’m a bit stubborn) until November 2019, I followed a strict morning and night vitamin regime, added in saunas in lunchtime, tried hypnotherapy, joined a step challenge and was taking off almost every Friday from work at building myself back up. I had become so weak that a PT session (booked in a fit of desperation) saw the PT bundle me up with supports for the most simple of stretching exercises.

Determined, I started back full time late November of 2019, pushing myself back when I felt I should be able to cope. I was scared I would lose my job, or slip behind in my work, but I simply felt worse for going back. My weekends and weeknights were designated for rest, so my social life moved to simply messaging friends, all with the goal of getting marginally better and beating a Syndrome diagnosis.

When 2020 started I admitted defeat for the sake of pragmatism. I couldn’t cope with full time work, I needed more sleep and fulltime work was making me feel worse. Something was wrong, but no amount of will power, vegetables, vitamins, meditations, medications or sweaty lunchtime saunas seemed to help. I was approved for part-time work on a three-month basis and started an anti-inflammatory diet – the diet was my choice. I dropped dairy, red meat and all processed foods. Although I was in disbelief by what I was potentially facing long-term, I still couldn’t accept that this was beyond me to turn around. At this point I was waking up two to six times a night, changing my sheets regularly, and bedtime was just on 8pm without fail.

A friend had mentioned the Lightning Process to me a while ago. She had seen a close friend of hers go from a state worse than mine, to achieving a full recovery. Another mutual friend described going through a Neural Linguistic Programming course with similar results. I was skeptical. It seemed odd to me that you could change so much without any external aide like a pill, eating regime or physical task. It reminded me of the fad self-help books of the 90s that worked off the karmic idea that if I thought I was well, I would become well. I did and do still think that’s bullshit. The issue to me was a physical one and my mind was fed up with my body for not getting on board.

The first opportunity I had to move forward was in my initial conversation with Libby. I had reached out to a few Lightning Process coaches in New Zealand after finally reading Phil Parker’s book on it. Libby asked if I had considered that ‘my story’ could equally offer a tale of healing just as much as it detailed my fatigue and anxiety/depression? This seemingly simple question stopped me in my tracks.

In the same way I had tried to pummel my chronic fatigue into submission, I’d done the same with my anxiety and depression. I had had 16 years of managing depression, was skilled in the art of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, had tried meditative yoga, mindfulness, prayer, learnt how to take holidays, celebrated being a melancholic creative, gave up sugar and tried multiple versions of medication. I could be on or off medication, knowing exactly what to do if feeling low, and what situations were best avoided if tired – I was a pro.

There wasn’t a thing I hadn’t tried and completely exhausted (excuse the pun). I found myself   almost angry at the thought that I was being asked to consider there WAS something that would completely eliminate the issues I had worked so hard at fixing for years. Angry because I had adopted my issues! At this point they were ‘mine.’ I had in a rather stoic manner simply gotten used to the cards I had been dealt. I didn’t know how to live unrestrained without these issues. What use would these experiences and management/coping skills be now? I was afraid. What happens when you have no ‘go-to’ excuse or reason?

That simple question put everything into perspective. When I looked ahead at my life, living with fatigue and continuing to muster strength to deal with depression, I simply couldn’t imagine being happy. It felt like a reduced life. And when I imagined living without either of those issues it felt like being shot out of a cannon! I had no idea what it would look like, but it felt like it had more of a chance at making me happy. I know that might seem obvious from the outside, but when you’re so used to something it’s destabilising to consider removing it – rather like a dodgy hip (I imagine).

What became clearer in talking with Libby and in the moments after our chat was that I was being asked to trust there was a way to concretely change my life - not just remove my fatigue. With a sliver of trust in the unknown I signed up, thankfully was accepted, and stepped through Libby’s front door in the last week of January 2020.

Over the next three days threads of what I had picked up from mindfulness, stress management and counselling over the years were woven together with new information about stress and the human brain. Everything came together and really hit home. This formed a mirror for me to hold up to myself and my experiences. As I completed the homework each night of the course, I felt like I was learning to walk again. This wasn’t simply a coat of fresh paint on old boards, I was being challenged to rewrite all of my assumptions, stop my current habits and form completely new pathways forward. And the process wasn’t focused on fatigue or depression – it was focused on healing.  There were tears and fears, but there was also a growing emotional and mental freedom that put no issue beyond reach.

The night of the last day of the course I slept straight through without disturbance for the first time in six months. Driving home I was practically euphoric, singing to music in my car, relaxed as could be in traffic back to Auckland. The tap in my head had turned off. The next Monday I worked a full week without issue. It was an overnight ‘night and day’ difference. Most things completely stopped, with others lessening over the next few months. No night sweats, no restlessness, no burning eyes and my bedtime crept past 8.30pm. I stopped all vitamins and ditched the anti-inflammatory diet – but kept my new favourite soy milk 😊 Within a month I was at a birthday party chatting, and someone else left the conversation to go to bed – because it was 1am!

When lockdown happened in March 2020, I decided not to renew my depression medication. This was the longest standing physical aide I had had, and although I had come off it before, it was always to come back to it a few months on. The timing could seem crazy but working from home was a calm environment for me. So with follow-up coaching booked in, and a history of asking for help when things got hard, it didn’t seem risky.

Going back into the office at Level One in June only served to up-the-anti. Because of Covid-19s impact on business I had twice the workload of the year previous. I also had to give up my controlled home environment for a noisy office, social interactions and travel. After just a few weeks of being back I was in a dark mood. I had bought sound-proof headphones to cope, was overtly snappy and found myself considering whether medication would help. When I realised what was happening, I chose to double-down on my Lightning Process teachings. I knew what to do and I knew it worked.  Months later my manager confided her relief when I had come into work the week after with a completely different attitude!

Over the next year I enlisted Libby’s expertise through additional coaching sessions that offered me growth in leaps and bounds! Her ability to truly listen and her personal embodiment of the Lightning Process meant that she picked up on my habits of speech that pointed to unhelpful mental habits. In some sessions my unconscious beliefs or values were unearthed and acknowledged through her considerate questioning. This led to further growth and personal insight that rewrote some of my life’s hardest moments. With wisdom and experience Libby would at times challenge how I positioned my frustrations or disappointments to avoid old habits reforming. As an encouraging and wise coach there was never a time where I felt our sessions were unnecessary, repetitive or overkill.

Actively using the Lightning Process I’ve been experiencing personal growth and expression again. The first thing I noticed was laughter. I didn’t think of my life as being without humor, but I’ve started laughing out loud far more, smiling and rediscovering joyful memories I had long forgotten - which is nothing short of precious. I’m far more present, barely anxious or depressed, which means rediscovering what it feels like to just be nervous or simply ‘fine.’ Hardly any of my reactions are forced either, I’m not ‘faking it til I make it’ or ‘just pushing through.’ My interactions with the world are more balanced and my energy better channeled.

Professionally I’ve had positive comments about how I’ve dealt with difficult personalities and seemingly stressful situations – including a recommendation from senior leadership that my manager should do the course! As a person whose been called ‘fiery’ and ‘dogged’ before, I can now leave an argument at the table, or simply choose not to engage. I no longer lean into my stress, trying to make it productive, or challenge myself to grow by going through more of it – which is ludicrous when you think about it. Switching off from my day completely is now a possibility and I can take on activities after work too! All of this has meant I’ve started growing some of the skills I’ve always wanted (like negotiation and healthy boundaries) and I’m being trusted more in the workplace.

And it’s important to note that my environment hasn’t changed. My job and home life are the same as they were the year previous. I’ve actually added in the addition of an eBike, Greek lessons and a personal business project!

This last year has truly been the proof in the pudding for me that the Lightning Process was not intended as a fad, or a solution to just one issue. Reading over my calendars and diary to write this, I really empathise with myself from 2019 and all of the years before going through mental health struggles. The Lightning Process continually gives me a framework which enlightens my perspective of self, others and the situations I find myself in. There’s no new spiritual beliefs involved, or dedication to some pyramid scheme.

I purposely didn’t want to give Libby a testimonial until enough time had passed for me to be sure I wasn’t imagining the difference the course and her coaching had made (sorry Libby!) Over one year on now, I still can’t believe it but I know it to be true. After about eight months, I said to Libby that I felt like I did when I was in my early twenties! This experience has meant that I get to feel that exciting optimism and hope again – it’s renewed my life.